A story about Charlotte...

One of my friends Jess sent me this message today!  These messages make my day....Charlotte visited her in her dreams.

"The dream started out where a whole bunch of people that went to Olympia were at a gathering of some sort. Noah, the boys, and I were there as well and I remember seeing you Blake and Clayton so much and how bad I wanted to come up and hug you!!! We all sat down at tables and Noah, the boys, and I sat close to you Blake and Clayton! We began to eat a meal when a loud door shut and everyone in the room looked back to see what it was... and it was Charlotte! She was dressed in her cute lil clothes you put on her, and she looked the exact same beautiful lil self as she did in all her pics! She was crawling and was so happy and was trying to find her way to you, Blake, and Clayton! Everyone got up and swarmed around her so amazed and crying! She made her way to you quickly and just smiled away at you and kept looking at you Blake and Clayton and smiling so much -- and she wanted nothing to do with anyone but you and just wanted you to hold her. I remember you kissing her so much and hugging her and then Alisha running over and then I woke up... "


I really just wish this was real life instead of a dream....I will always wish that.

On a side note....I wanted to share....everynight before bed (on his own)  Clayton blows kisses and waves goodnight to Charlotte up in heaven.  I am SO SO happy that he has a special connection with his sister even though he only got to see her a few times.  It melts my heart and makes me happy...all at the same time.

Happy leap year day (is that right?).....ha!

A happier time...me with my two children

These photos were taken 07.28.11 by Chanel at Your Reflection My Style (love them!).  I was 34 weeks prego....WOW was I huge...my poor body.  (2 weeks before I had Charlotte)

A happier time when I knew Charlotte had a heart defect and thought she would only be in the hopsital for a short time...I miss my girl.

 

Girls night....

 Tonight was a girls night...well plus Clayton.  That was short lived.  The pirate was SO interested in the sewing machine....that once Uncle Sean came...he had to go with the boys.  He almost sewed his finger!

Anyway...on pinterest I found this tutorial here.  I sent it to my sisters....and we had a sewing/girls night.   (good thing my table can fit three sewing machines....ha)

 So Alisha knew she better come prepared...because she knows the most about sewing!  I always forget how to setup the machine.  Well the tutuorial is NOT as easy as she makes it sound.  With some tweaks....we got it!

 these are mine (purple/coral) and Taylor's (grey with stripes) outcomes!

I think I will try to make another someday.  It took us about 3 hours....after Alisha perfected it the night before for like 6 hours.  I am getting more confident with my sewing abilities.

My fabric was originally bought for Charlotte's room.  I did the fabric hoop art with it.  I never hung it up b/c I didn't think it matched.  I ordered extra to make a dress for her!  Well I guess at least I made a dress for myself with it.  I will think of her when I wear it.

Hmmm...I think the next craft night needs to be less craft and more wine...this was a little to much work!  ha!

Thanks....I needed that!

When I got up this morning....I didn't realize what today was.

When I got to work I looked at my calendar to see what meetings I had today and noticed the date.  Feb 23rd.  Charlotte went to heaven a month ago....tear.  My eyes well up like they do a couple times a day...but realizing this makes today a hard day.  Just like the day when she turned 6 months old (Valentine's day).

I really can't believe she has been gone a whole month...

This morning I got a text from one of Charlotte's favorite (and mine!) Maria...telling me that Osama (her heart surgeon) wanted her to tell me that he missed me (us)....so I told her I missed all of them.  She started telling me that not a day goes by that people don't ask her how we are doing and everybody misses us.

I needed that!

Then....I got an email from a good friend Jessica....

"I woke up this morning and started my normal routine.  In the middle of it all, I realized I dreamed about Charlotte during the night.  I was visiting Charlotte at the hospital.  You were showing me around the hospital and then you took me to Charlotte's room.  She was in a regular hospital bed crawling around.  She was so happy, and smiling, and her big beautiful eyes were as bright as could be.  You needed to go somewhere so I stayed and played with Charlotte.  That was all. I thought you would like to know that I received a visit from Charlotte.  What a special moment that was!"


I needed that!

Neither of them realized what today is....but Charlotte and I (of course Blake too) know.

And she knew both of them would comfort me with these messages today....

What a special little girl!  My angel is always watching down on me....and I am so lucky to have her!

Thanks Charlotte....

I needed that!

Oopsy.....

Saturday morning I got up and went to 7 a.m. kickboxing.  It is early....but it is a great way to start my day...and of course get ready for the beach.  Blake and Clayton were busing planting a tree for Charlotte (I will update this with pictures of it) while I was gone.  When I got home they were setting the tree with the tree spade.  See below.

I was inside signing checks and getting ready to go to the bank.  Blake wasn't planning on staying home to watch Clayton so I could run to the bank.....so he parked this huge thing (tree spade) right in the middle of our driveway....so I was rushing and backed out of the garage....and bam!

Okay...so I had like 100 ft to look in my mirror and see it...but somehow I missed it.  Bam....I moved the tree spade like 5 ft.....  :-(

I guess I need a car with a backup camera....ha or maybe I should actually keep my mirrors where they go instead of so I can talk to Clayton while I am driving.

Luckily this is my first incident EVER!  We already have the insurance check and my car is getting fixed on Monday.....bye bye Hoopty ride!

Happy Bday Papa Denny!

 Last night we celebrated Papa Denny's bday...so I can finally post these pics!

 Last week Michelle and I got together to so I could take pictures of Clayton and Marin together for Denny's bday. 

 She had the idea of putting the kids in the corvette to take pics!  I wish it would have been nice out...it was SO cold...so we had to take the pics in the shop.

 We had to move the corvette, put the top down (with the guidance from the owners manual) and put it back so he wouldn't notice...we did it!

 the kids had so much fun!

 Clayton and Marin are best friends and LOVE each other.  It is so darn cute!

Charlotte's tree...

One tree planted for Charlotte...two to go.  This is a tree that we picked....a Chanticleer pear tree.  They are goregous....Blake planted it right in between our bedroom window and the front door...perfect spot!

Clayton thought it was pretty cool that he got to help his daddy plant a tree for Charlotte!

A gift from Charlotte!

I just mailed a package to Childrens Memorial CICU...

The package contained close to $4800 from all of you!  What an awesome way to keep Charlotte's memory alive.  Her name will go on a plaque at the new hospital because of the donation.

I had the biggest smile leaving the post office (and of course tears under my sunglasses)...I know Charlotte was smiling down on me because the donation is going to help all of her "heart friends."

So thank you all for contributing to Charlotte's memorial fund!  If anyone else wants to contribute message me and I can give you the details.

Love to you all!

First trip to the dentist!

Clayton was very interested while I got my teeth cleaned first...then it was his turn...not so much.  We started off by brushing his teeth with a new spiderman tooth brush!

then we looked at his teeth....then finally we talked him into sitting on my lap during the cleaning...

he did SO good.  He even got his teeth polished....I was very impressed.

Of course when we were waiting for the dentist to come check our teeth out....he had to play with all their tools.  He figured out how all of them work and was playing with them.  I was watching him and he wasn't hurting anything...so I thought why not.  My whole family goes to the same dentist practice...we have been going there for years...so they are all like family really.

It is nice to get some things accomplished now that I am home everyday.  I have had to reschedule this appointment numerous times.

When we got home Clayton had to get his dentist playdoh set out to start drilling away.  Maybe we have a future dentist on our hands?

What is Charlotte up to?

My good friend and Charlotte's APN Emily sent me a message this morning...that just made me smile.  She had a dream last night about Charlotte.

"Charlotte came to me in my dream last night... She was in a crib with you and I in her room and she was laughing and giggling and playing with toys in the crib. We kept looking at her and laughing and saying how she didn't look sick and how good she looked and she just laughed on, and was wearing a light pink top and hot pink pants..."

Dr. Steinhorn (her CICU doctor) and I had a lot of discussions about our spirits and how they are connected as a family.  He asked me if Charlotte had every come to me in my dreams....she still hasn't.  She has reached out to  my good friend Kristen to...but that was awhile ago.  I never really believed that dreaming was real before...but Dr. Steinhorn made me believe that Charlotte's spirit will reach out to people through many different ways (I think it has already in many different ways)...and one way is through dreams.

She was sending Emily a message that I know she knew she would pass on to me.

Thanks Emily you made my ENTIRE day with this message.  I can't wait for the day when Charlotte comes to me in my dreams.

FINALLY HOME!

Charlotte is finally home.  After 25 weeks she is HOME, literally (not home as in heaven).

Before Charlotte even passed Blake and I talked about what we wanted to do for her funeral etc on our way up to Chicago one Sunday.  He asked me....the first thing I said was....I want her to come home.  I want her to be cremated so we can spread her ashes at HOME.  Then he said I want her to have a headstone...and I said agreed.  It is kinda weird that we know have our burial spots bought in the cemetery.  That is the beauty of our relationship...we know each other so well...we don't really have to have these tough conversations because we agree...we know what the other is thinking.

Now for us spreading her ashes won't be weird at all because we plan on living in our new home forever...that is the beauty of being a farming family...you can't move!

I always thought cremation was kinda pointless...what is the point of spreading ashes.  Now I know....everything her ashes touch will have a piece of her in it.  She will be around us forever, not that she wouldn't be anyway.

We are also going to plant an oak tree (for longevity) and a Prairie Fire tree (for Charlotte's beauty and spirit).  The Prairie fire tree has hot pink flowers....perfect for my baby sis.  We will place some of her ashes in the hole when we plant those too.  Being a wife of a landscaper....this was Blake's idea.  We plant trees for all occasions, its our thing!  My cousins the Phelps, and my sorority sisters actually had the same idea and gave us these trees.  What a special gift!

So not that Charlotte isn't with us every second of everyday...her beauty will be growing around us as well.

I miss that little girl!

This song will never be the same....

I have loved this song since it came out....now to Blake and I, it will never be the same song as it was before....we have been putting our Pandora station on The Band Perry station at home.

If I die young by The Band Perry.....

"Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh well
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time..."

Not sure if we had enough time...but I am Glad we got the 23 weeks we did.  

**Missing my sweet girl**

MOM HAIR...

After you have a baby your hair falls out!  I didn't really remember this happening with Clayton, but when Charlotte was 4 months old my hair started falling out in clumps.  This was about the time I stopped pumping...so not sure if that had anything to do with it.  

I legit have bald spots...mainly around the front of my face.  I REALLY don't want to cut my hair off just yet.  I do love having the short angled bob....but I am liking it long for now, especially because I love doing updo's.  So Taylor and I went to Beauty Brands on a mission to find something that would give me volume in a gellish form.  Lets be honest...the root booster sprays don't work!

We found this stuff above...and it works!  I can tease my hair and it actually stays all day.  My hair doesn't get piecey on the top and look thin.  When I put it in a pony tail or up...it stays in place way better.  I think I found something that will keep me from cutting my hair off!!!  I know Blake will be happy.

I just took this pic...I think my hair looks nice and full...with no bald spots! What do you think?  I know I am a dork.

I miss my pregnancy hair!

A "normal" week

Well this week has been my first "normal" week since Charlotte was born.  I started back at work this week.  I was really enjoying being home getting a ton of things done that have been on my to do list....like hemming curtains!

There are some "sickies" in my office....so of course I left here Monday with a scratchy throat....I just wish I would feel healthy for more then a couple days at a time.

Yesterday I went to The Fresh Market for 5.99 lobster tails! (this month's Tuesday deals) We were suppose to have them for supper last night....but Blake's fireman duties changed that!  A neighbor directly behind us had their garage catch on fire....thankfully it didn't get into the house due to a fire safe door and special drywall in the garage....now I know why we had to pay so much for a fire safe door for the garage!

Thank you all for your continued support and love during this crazy time for us.  I can't go anywhere without someone asking how we are doing.  I appreciate that!

Surf and Turf

We ate the lobster tonight!  Blake made us a surf and turf dinner.  Taylor came over so I could help her with her 401K and so she could help me with a few things....then we went to Zumba.  Taylor and I danced on a full belly of steak and lobster....it was so delicious.

We grilled the lobster....ONLY way to cook it.  We have boiled it in the past....this is WAY better.  The recipe  is here.  I didn't have lemon juice...so I used yogurt butter (instead of olive oil)...and used actual garlic instead of garlic powder.  If you know me I never follow recipes.  Oh and Blake grilled the shell side too to get the nice coral color (my fav).

This meal has us ready to go to Florida in March.  We love going there for the beach and fun....but the seafood is also amazing.  

Yummo!

Going on a....

Run....yes I am getting ready to go for a run.  The sun is shining and I am ready for my second run of the year!

Vacation!....we are getting ready to go on vacation!  I am still completely in shock of the generosity that all of our friends and got together to pool money together so we could go on a trip as a family!  I have been researching all morning and think I have finally found the spot.  You know me....trying to find the best deals!

I am staring work on Monday and I think it will be nice to get back into my normal routine....although I have been keeping myself extrememly busy around the house this last week (I could get used to this!). 

I cannot say thank you enough to all of you for supporting my family and helping us get through this hard time in our lives.  You all mean so much to us....we could never say thank you enough!

How are we doing?

How are we doing?

Of course I (we) am sad, I will ALWAYS be sad....the tears have really diminished....and now I have been reflecting on Charlotte's journey more then anything.

We have pictures hanging in the house of my sweet girl...and I talk to her and blow her kisses.  It isn't wierd for me to be at home because she never came home.  Her room is all decorated and was ready for her....but it never really was her room.  I do LOVE her room....but I don't have any attachment to it because she never got to use it.  I am attached to her blankets and clothes...anything that reminds me of the hospital and her!

I have always believed in God and heaven, but until you go through something like this you can't really understand what it means to be guided by him and see his work play out.  I know he gave me Charlotte for a reason...now why he gave her CHARGE syndrome and her other medical issues (chest tube output issues) I will never understand.  I will never understand why he would put a sweet baby through that, but I do believe that he put her through that to give us time with her.  To give me 23 precious weeks that were hell (I am not gonna lie) but also the best 23 weeks of my life.  I got to be a mother to a precious baby and become closer to God (my family as well).  I think she held on as long as she did so I would be ready to let her go, let her go to God and be healed.  Let her have the body she was intended to have.

I can feel Charlotte all around me.  The night she passed and we came home from Chicago I could feel her.  I felt sick and I put Clayton to bed.....as I was laying with him "closing our eyes" as he always says...I felt the sickness in my stomach go away and tingling in my shoulders.  I can't really describe what it feels like....but the pain was taken away for that moment.  And this beautiful weather....I know she is telling me...go outside and run mommy...you have been cooped up in a hospital for to long! 

The day of her funeral was goregous too.....all the days leading to it was gloomy...and Friday was goregous and sunny.  The day ended with the most perfect snowfall I have ever seen.  Blake and I just looked out the window and talked to Charlotte up in heaven.  We knew she was giving it to us...it was meant for us.

So we are taking one day at a time.....missing Charlotte terribly but reflecting on the good....and her life....not the bad!