I've changed...

I've changed.  Since Charlotte entered and left the world I am forever changed.

I would definitly say for the better...but I still have lingering anger and thoughts from time to time.  I thought time would heal all wounds....and I think it will take ALOT more time then I anticipated...or having another child.

We are currently going through genetic testing to ensure that Blake and I don't have CHARGE in our genes.  If we do....then we are SO lucky to have Clayton, b/c the risk is 50/50 that we would have another CHARGE baby (IVF can fix that I guess).  If we don't...we have a 1% chance of happening again, which is the same as the rest of the world.  It is very rare for the parents to carry it (we are both healthy!) and for familes with a CHARGE baby to have more then one affected child.  I wasn't going to share this on my blog...but I thought we need all the prayers we can get. 

I really don't want to pregnant again, mainly because of my size with Charlotte.  I hold the record at the doctors for the biggest prego belly...well it was just broke by a lady having twins.  That is crazy!  But I will put all that aside to be able to have another child....a healthy one....one that I can hold every second of every day.  One that I can bring home, and do the normal baby stuff with.  I can't wait for the sleepless nights.  There are so many people around me that take all that stuff for granted...or maybe I am just to sensitive listening quietly to their complaints. 

These are things that I hope change as time goes on.  I don't want to feel like that....I thought time would heal these wounds...but I think it just gives me more time to be angry at why did this happen to us.  I am so conflicted within myself most days....

I know Charlotte was a gift from God.  I wouldn't change a thing about having her in my life.  I wouldn't want anyone else to be her mom...she is my angel.  She was the sweetest cutest baby girl.  I really do feel blessed to be chosen as mother of sick child.  I know I did the best I could, I just wish I knew why He chose us.  I don't think I will ever know the answer.

I am also scared I will forget Charlotte.  That I won't think about her everyday.  I have her pictures all around the house...so I don't think that will ever happen.  I always want to feel her around me and my family. 

I mostly think about Charlotte and how much I loved her and how she changed me and my family.  Blake and I are closer then ever (I never thought that possible).  I am a better wife/mother.  I am a better friend.  I am healthier.  I believe more in heaven and God then I ever thought possible.

On the other hand I am more sensitive.  Nothing hurts more then people saying well thats easy when you only have one child....I have TWO children.  One living and one in heaven, but for 23 weeks I had two children....so please don't say just want until you have two kids to me....it hurts! 

One thing I do know....if I had all the money in the world I would go back to school and be a nurse....then a nurse practionier.  I would love to do that!  Don't get me wrong, I am a numbers freak...but I would like to be a APN.  I learned so much being in the hospital for 23 weeks...the nurses became close friends...and always will be!  They are all amazing people...and I would love a career where I can help people instead of sitting at a desk.

Enough rambling...just missing my girl more then ever...and this blog is my way to vent!  FL pics to come.

Ahhh...we're home!

Where have I been....FLORIDA!

A beautiful week full of sunshine and relaxation!  I will backdate my posts with FL pictures...so stay tuned!  We had a wonderful time and will hopefully go back next year.  I forgot how great it was to spend an entire week with my boys...no work and all play.  Clayton got a sinus infection but was a trooper.  We left our resort in FL at 4:45 am FL time which is really 3:45 IL time...so needless to say when we rolled into Peoria at 8:45 am....we were tired!  Clayton slept the ENTIRE plan ride home...actually kinda nice for this momma!  Blake sat in the exit row behind me...he needs extra leg room.

We pulled into the driveway and saw this!  Charlotte's tree in full bloom...hi pretty girl (as Clayton would say)!  She would have loved the beach....

Final Night!

For our final night we decided to cook out.  There is a local meat market that has amazing stuff...so we did that for dinner.  With all the boys it was pretty crazy, but fun!

Clayton had a great time digging in the sand.

this was the sand tunnel Blake and Brian tried to build for the boys.  It turned into just a huge sand hole...which they all loved.

The boys finally caught a lizard with the help of an older boy Lucas.  They are some other good friends of our and our trips only overlapped by 1/2 of a day.  Maybe next year.

I really think this was one of my favorite family vacations.  We all had such a good time and we needed it.  I hope we get to go next year...I think it would be fun to rent a beach house or something.

I was worried it wouldn't be as relaxing chasing Clayton around.  He had so much fun playing in the water/sand and with the other kids it made it easy.  This trip was easy...and I loved every minute of it!

Nap Time!

Nap time.  Everyday around nap time we would come "home" to eat lunch and get Clayton to bed.  Just look at his tired eyes.  He looked this way from being sick and tired.  All of the boys played so hard...that all took good naps!

he was trying so hard to get his bed ready for nap...silly boy!

we put him to bed in our bed!

While Clayton napped we could use our monitor and layout below by the beach.  Nap time was my time to lay out and read a book!  Clint and Tara got here two day ago and stayed at the same place we did.  So during nap time Clint and Blake would watch monitors and Tara and I would go for walks on the beach...then the boys would switch us and go.  It was really a fun time.

I don't have any pictures of their boys....but for a couple days we had 6 boys under the age of 6.....crazy!  No wonder they all took good naps.

Last Day!

Clayton hasn't eaten hardly anything on this trip.  Our friends were laughing because Blake and I are not picky eaters and pretty adventurous...and their kids eat better then ours....ha!  This morning Clayton said he wanted eggs....so we ran down to Pass a grille to get him some breakfest!

The seahorse is a neat little place and a must on the to do list!  We sat right by window.

I love these pics of him...

the sunlight is so pretty...

he actually ate something!  Thank goodness.

Then we hit the beach (do you see a theme....ha!)  Clayton refused to wear his swim trunks.  Still not quite himself.

we were on a hunt for sea shells!

he thought it was fun to sit on the kayak's at the Don Caesar.

shortly after this he did a face plant in the water.  He discovered the ocean tastes disgusting!  After a meltdown we finally got his trunks on!  silly boy.

the daddy's got in the pool after failing to build the littles a sand tunnel!  it kept collapsing!  :-(

they had fun in the pool!

Thursday!

This morning we headed to the park after my run.  Once we got back we hit the beach!  It took a while to get Clayton into his swim trunks.....but once we did he was fine!

Brotherly love.  I seriously love this picture.  You can tell they had enough of each other by the end of the trip.  I think we need to get them together more so they get more used to each.  I think the age difference was hard too.  Clayton is 3.5 and Austin is 4.5...but for the most part they played well.  Clayton talked about Austin no stop when we weren't together.

At this age we were after them to share and not hit.  I don't even want to think about what we will be after them for when they are 15 and 16....yikes!

Beautiful St. Pete Beach....just gorgeous!

the boys...

when did he get so big?  I know he is big for is age.....but still!  tear...

me and my boy!

our family!

my boys!

I don't want to leave tomorrow.  Blake is ready because it is so nice at home.  I think Clayton is just ready to feel better.  He felt better today....but not his 100% self!

John's Pass

This morning we went to John's Pass.  It is a great little area with a ton of shopping and places to eat right on the water.  You can watch the boats!  It is pretty busy at night so we went in the morning....we thought it would be easier with the kids! 

You can't tell by the picture....but last night Clayton had a temp.  I started freaking out a little because he was just an oven.  Tylenol and Motrin made him feel better...but it was needed every 6 hours or less. 

After some shopping we went to Gator's for lunch.  It is really neat...it is directly across from John's Pass.

You can watch the bridge lift up and down (you can see it in the background)...pretty neat!

We got back and the boys went down for naps.  Once Clayton got up we went over to the Krugers and they helped me figure out where to take Clayton.  Laura thought maybe he had strep...I thought he had a heat rash.  Well he ended up having a sinus infection!  Poor buddy.  Luckily we were in and out and my little guy will start to feel better.  I am glad I took him.

He has had no interest in playing outside...all he wants to do is watch movies on the Ipad...which is not like him!

  Hopefully tomorrow is better.  He has been such a trooper though!